Advice for Complementarians in Egalitarian Churches
Hi everyone, here is the second of a two-part series on advice for egalitarians and complementarians when attending a church that does not share their view of women and ministry.
Part 2: Advice for Complementarians in Egalitarian Churches
So imagine if you are by conviction, complementarian on gender issues in church, and you are attending a church that is by practice and conviction egalitarian. What should you do?
Well, I’m sure many complementarians will tell you to flee that place because in their eyes it is basically a Satanic feminist fertility cult that sacrifices cute puppies to a uterus-shaped altar of evil. And, to be honest, part of me kind of hopes that attending an egalitarian church will challenge complementarian assumptions and their stereotypes of egalitarian churches, make complementarians re-think Scripture, and then maybe migrate to the egalitarian fold. Come on in, the water is effervescently equal and evangelical!
But let’s be real.
Because of one’s geographical setting, stage of life, and other factors, we do not always have the luxury of being able to pick and choose the church that aligns with every single theological conviction on non-essential matters that we would prefer. Not every town you live in gonna have your brand of Baptist, Anglican, Presbyterian, and Methodist. Sometimes it is just a matter of, “This is where God has put us.” I think particularly of people who have to move around for work like military families or digital nomads.
So if you’re a complementarian and attending an egalitarian church, what should you do?
As I said previously …
First, if this is the fellowship you believe God has led you to attend, to receive ministry and to do ministry, then do it to the glory of God with a sincere heart and as an encouragement to everyone.
Second, do not assume that your job is to convert the pastoral team or the congregation to your particular view of women and gender roles. This is more likely to cause conflict, disunity, mutual suspicion, and put stress on relationships. Treat people with respect.
But let me add …
Third, always be transparent with your beliefs about women and ministry roles, but never bully, badger, or demean anyone about them. You won’t be welcomed long at the church if you sneer at the men as impotent and cowardly dweebs who have been emasculated by their wives and label the women as femme-nazi androgynized man-haters who breed weak and neglected boys. The best witness for complementarianism is nice complementarians and healthy complementarian marriages.
Fourth, if there are spaces open for honest theological discussion and serious Bible study, then, by all means, explain your view, your position, and how it shapes the rhythms of life, family, and relationships for the better.
Fifth, don’t let anyone mock or bully you for your sincere convictions. If someone calls you a “tedious theobro” or “nothing more than a stay-at-home baby-making robot” call them out. If egalitarianism is so good for men and women, then egalitarians need to be good to all men and women irrespective of their views of ministry, gender roles, and family.
Sixth, if you have a conscientious objection to women preaching, I’d bid you to at least give it a try as a theological experiment, kind of like a Calvinist listening to an Arminian sermon on grace. Otherwise, if your conscience cannot bear it, they always need volunteers in the creche or kids program I promise you!
Verse for meditation: “So, then, let’s find and follow the way of peace, and discover how to build each other up” (Rom 14:19 NTE).
Note, I’d love to hear from people, especially complementarian women, on their suggestions and advice.
I am an elder (lead elder for 8 years and being ordained as a pastor next month) in an egalitarian church. We’ve lots of experience with complementarians joining or considering joining our church so I can tell you from experience how this usually works out.
Because egalitarian is the minority position still, we have a detailed position paper on how we got to this position and we give it to all prospective members in our introduction class. And we tell them - “this is our position as a church that we arrived at after much prayer and study. We are very unlikely to reconsider or change our position. If you are convicted otherwise, and want a church that shares your convictions, we can refer you to several great local churches that do. If God is calling you here, just understand that you’ll see women leading and teaching and will need to be ok being around that. You won’t be able to be involved in certain ministries if you feel you absolutely can’t work under a woman’s leadership - ie you won’t be excused from working under a woman and given a man to work under instead.
This up front approach serves us well. Those with strong convictions usually move on to a like minded church.
Those who don’t consider this an essential position stay and are generally very gracious as community members and ministers. Some do further study and change their minds. Some maintain their core convictions but find ways to still be lovingly and graciously part of the community.
As a woman, I’ve had lots of conversations with complementarians, several of whom did end up leaving. But I would characterize the conversations as genuinely gracious and respectful, even if sometimes frustrating. If people choose to stay, it’s because they clearly understand our position, clearly feel God has placed them in our community, and uniformly interact with love and respect.
As a complementarian woman with a dear family friend who is a lay minister: I believe that what a woman does or believes in this matter is ultimately between her conscience, her husband, and her church elders. Sometimes (oftentimes), people seem to be more free with their opinion with a woman than a man. I don’t wish to add to that burden. My experience with our family friend is that she and her husband did not come to their position out of pride or bad faith readings of Scripture.