Advice for Egalitarians in Complementarian Churches
Hi everyone, here is the first of a two-part series on advice for egalitarians and complementarians when attending a church that does not share their view of women and ministry.
Part 1: Advice for Egalitarians in Complementarian Churches
I have often had people come to me, men and women, saying that they are an egalitarian but they are attending a complementarian church and feel conflicted over it. There are often a number of reasons why this can happen ranging from location, family, denomination, or for specific ministries. Yet precisely because there is a rupture between their view of women in ministry and the church’s view, they feel somewhat conflicted. When that happens I normally give them the following advice.
First, if this is the fellowship you believe God has called you to attend, to receive ministry and to do ministry, then do it to the glory of God with a sincere heart and as an encouragement to everyone.
Second, do not assume that your job is to convert the pastoral team or the congregation to your particular view. This is more likely to cause conflict, disunity, mutual suspicion, and put stress on relationships. Meet people where they are at.
Third, always be transparent with your beliefs about women and ministry roles, but never bully, badger, or demean anyone about them. One of the things that lead me to change my previous complementarian views was not egalitarians rolling their eyes at me and saying, “You’re a pathetic patriarchal punk,” but when they sincerely listened to my questions, concerns, and objections and treated me with respect. You can’t insult or ostracize anyone into egalitarianism.
Fourth, if there are spaces open for honest theological discussion and serious Bible study, then advocate the egalitarian position with intellectual rigor, charity, and humility. The best strategy is point out to glaring inconsistencies as to why women can do X but cannot do Y. Or else point people to literature written from outside their tribe. That kind of stuff makes people think and scrutinize their beliefs.
Fifth, if the species of complementarianism gets pernicious or aggressive, don’t tolerate it, for yourself or for others. Speak up! Every church has its ideological extremists, progressive or conservative, but the church’s leadership should not be gagging you, spreading rumours about you, creating a toxic culture, or covering stuff up. Pay special attention to how the church deals with allegations of abuse and bullying. Be careful too if they pride themselves on what they restrict women from doing as a kind of badge of theological righteousness? There are some churches, whether complementarian or not, that are simply toxic with wolf-like leaders. The wise and safe thing to do is to flee fast and far!
In sum, don’t go running stark naked through the auditorium with a sign saying, “Women Pastors Now!” But don’t put up with abusive or demeaning attitudes towards women. Respect differences, live with them insofar as you can, in the right settings present your own convictions, but do it to build others up not to tear them down.
Verse for meditation: “So, then, let’s find and follow the way of peace, and discover how to build each other up” (Rom 14:19 NTE).
Note, I’d love to hear from people, especially egalitarian women, on their suggestions and advice.
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Each of these is on-point and pastorally important. Thank you for each one. The tone is helpful. I have also added (in conversations) to your list "Don't expect that your church is going to become egalitarian." It might, but the chances are not good. If changing the church is the goal, think of changing churches. There is something new about complementarianism that deserves pushback, and complementarianism as a theological shaping has an impact that can be pervasive; in the hands of some it can be authoritarian and diminishing of women. In the USA comp is at times symbolic of one's stance in the broader culture war. A kind of "here I stand (because I have the authority to make the stand)."
This is excellent, and also reinforces why I could never be a member of a complementarian church. That became clear to me when I was considering becoming a member of a PCA church, and witnessed an ordination for my first time. This was in Feb 2018, during the early months of the #ChurchToo movement. Only men laying hands on a man. It struck me, somehow for the first time, that comps do not truly believe that the Holy Spirit works fully through women, that men are not to be held accountable to women or by women in any way--and I was essentially being taught this liturgically, DURING WORSHIP. Ever since then, my conscience forbids me from giving money towards a church or org that propagates teachings that are not only harmful towards women, but are, in my view, anti-Gospel. Jesus didn't just die so that we can believe in Him and wind up in heaven, but to make us into a brand new creation. The consequences of sin after the Fall (Genesis 3:16) should never be our template for the Christian community (marriage & the church). Jesus died for this!!
All Baskin-Robbins flavors of complementarianism boil down to this: restrict women in some way, and you're in the club.
Yes, we egalitarians ought to be charitable to other Christians who disagree with you (and all of God's image bearers).
But no. Not my club. Not my Jesus. Not my Gospel.