Things To Do at ETS/IBR/SBL
My annual lampooning of the biblical studies conferences.
Yes, it’s back, my annual list of fun things to do at the biblical studies conferences happening next week. This year, the Evangelical Theological Society (ETS), Institute for Biblical Research (IBR), and Society of Biblical Literature (SBL) are meeting in Boston! So order your “kor-fee,” deflate your footballs, and get your gloves and beanie ready. Here we go!
Disclaimer: If you are easily offended and have no sense of humour, please stop reading now. This is where I lampoon certain facets of American religious and political culture.
“Ah, it’s heaven for people who don’t believe in heaven.”
- Lisa Simpon talking about Boston, or possibly SBL.
“What is Boston like? Well, imagine Karl Marx eating some Dunkin’ Donuts at Fenway Park after attending Mass.”
- Mike Bird
Things to do in Boston
Try some clam chowder and a lobster roll.
Ask a police officer, “What is the average prison sentence for bringing a Chick-fil-A sandwich into Massachusetts?”
Take in a Celtics game - I’m assuming they are a local cricket team.
Ask a police officer if the Massachusetts state motto really is, “Witch-free since 1693.” Note, I thought it was, “Catch a rat, get a free hot dog,” but that is New York’s motto. The state motto of Massachusetts is Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem, which translates into “By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty.” Which I thought would make Massachusetts a very pro-libertarian state, but turns out, in reality, no, not even close.
Walk around dressed like Mark Wahlberg in The Departed and keep complaining about “Damn, southies.”
Ask a police officer if it is legal in Massachusetts for a man to marry his biological brother. Note, I looked this up and even I was surprised, answer at the bottom of the post. Also, if you are a guy with a brother, randomly text the answer to your brother, beginning with “Did you know that in Boston …” and wait for him to reply with, “Why are you telling me this?”
Things to Do at ETS
Congratulate Dr. Karen Jobes on completing her year as ETS president. Then tell her you have a secret plan to reject the results of the next ETS presidential election and keep her in office for another year.
If you see Mike Bird on his birthday, Tues 18 Nov, wish him a happy birthday. Also, appropriate gifts are almond m-n-ms, Cab Sav wine, and spicy Takis.
If you see Christian Nationalist Stephen Wolfe, who is speaking this year, ask him why he deleted this post on X.
If you see Matthew Barrett running down a corridor yelling “Sanctuary, Sanctuary” while being chased by a mob of angry Baptists yelling, “Death to the apostate,” point Matt to the nearest Anglican church.
Buy a copy of my 2025 books: Whispers of Revolution, Five Views on the Gospel, Romans: Translation, Paraphrase, and Notes, and A Handbook to Second-Century Christianity.
If you see a woman at ETS, don’t be alarmed, they are more scared of you than you are of them!
Attend Joel Webbon’s paper, “We Are Nick Fuentes … And So Can You!”
Wear a hat saying, “Make Liberal Democracy Great Again.”
Check in on your Hispanic friends and ask how they are doing.
Encourage and pray for any Palestinian Christians you meet!
Buy Valentyn Syniy’s book Serving God Under Siege from Eerdmans.
Things to Do at IBR
After the Friday night plenary session, at the dessert reception, go around telling everyone that the tiramisu has been contaminated with fecal matter. FYI, I call coffee “fecal matter,” because it is pretty much the same thing.
Go to Nijay Gupta’s paper and every time he mentions “Portland,” yell out, “Make Greater Idaho Happen!”
Go to Andrew Judd’s paper and correct his pronunciation of “genre,” but do it with a snobby French accent. Tell him, “It is pronounced, Zsa-on-rah.”
Join me in checking out the new Logos Bible software study assistant, which leverages AI in academic study, lecture curation, and sermon prep.
Pick up a copy of Nadya Williams, Christians Reading Classics and Keith Bodner, Exploring the Financial Parables of Jesus.
Ask IBR president, Dr. Andrew Aberethy, “Did Mike Bird really beat you 30-0 in a one-on-one basketball?”
Go to the Sunday worship, it is always awesome.
Things to Do at SBL
To fit in, dye your hair several different colours, get some face bling, a neck tattoo, and an “I Love Hamas” T-shirt.
Wish Michael Bird belated birthday wishes. Recommended gifts are Boston-themed coffee mugs and gourmet doughnuts (no coffee flavors!).
Attend Zohran Mamdani’s guest lecture, “An Islamic Interpretation of the Deuteronomic Curses: You Cannot Destroy Capitalism Unless you Destroy the Jews.”
While you’re there, check in on any Jewish friends, and ask how they are doing!
Wear a hat saying, “Make Anglicanism Great Again.” Note, this may not end well for you.
Buy a copy of Paul Sloan’s Jesus and the Law of Moses and Patrick Schreiner’s intro to Matthew.
Attend my paper at the session reviewing Jordan Peterson’s book We Who Wrestle with God, entitled “I Have No Idea What Peterson is Even Talking About!”
If you see a white, heterosexual male, remember, they are more scared of you than you are of them.
Attend the Pedagogy and Critical Theory session on “Why White Boards are Reified Symbols of White Supremacy and Black Boards Instantiate White Supremacist Tropes.”
Buy a copy of my 2025 books: Whispers of Revolution, Five Views on the Gospel, Romans: Translation, Paraphrase, and Notes, and A Handbook to Second-Century Christianity.
So, can a man marry his biological brother in Boston? Technically, no. In Massachusetts, a man cannot legally marry his biological brother. Massachusetts law prohibits marriages between close relatives, including siblings. But … there is a loophole if you were married in another country and then moved to Massachusetts. So, if you married your biological brother in, say, Amsterdam, and then moved to Boston, you might get away with not having your marriage legally voided.
More to do in Boston:
Escape from the chattering crowd. Take the blue line to Revere Beach, America’s first public beach.
Enjoy two beautiful miles of sidewalk and solitude, just out my front door.
So funny… thanks for sharing. This is as close as I'll ever come to going.