Things to Do at ETS/SBL

Okay, this is my annual in-house roast of theologians and biblical scholars and the November conferences they attend.

If you have no sense of humor, stop reading at this point!

Sadly, I won’t be at the November conferences in Fort Worth/San Antonio, due to travel restrictions, due to the fact that Texas has low vaccination rates, due to the US healthcare system, and I’m not doing online papers at 3:00 a.m. So maybe I’ll be back in 2022.

If you’re going to Evangelical Theological Society

Don’t miss out on the paper: “I’m a manly American man … and so can you!”

A panel on “How evangelical elites are destroying the church” with four white men with blue ticks on their twitter handles all complaining about evangelical women on twitter with no blue ticks who constantly complain about racism and sexual abuse in the churches.

Wear a T-Shirt with a picture of Donald Trump and the words, “It is only treason if you lose … and his insurrection lost.” Warning, this might not end well.

Ask people to try some new and free candy, then give them some red skittles, when they ask what it is, tell them, “It is Pfizer Supriser, strawberry flavor, the surprise is that the candy is really a liquid vaccine, so you’re now vaxxed, you’re welcome!”

Don’t miss out on Doug Moo reading my paper on assurance in Romans 8, for once in my life I will sound tall.

If you see a woman with a man, ask the man, “So where does your wife teach?”

Wear a badge saying, “Remember when Republicans believed in something besides complete and utter fealty to Trump?”

Get a copy of Jarvis Williams’ book Redemptive Kingdom Diversity from Baker.

Attend the QAnon support group, for people who want to help friends escape from the QAnon conspiracy theories and Non-Denominational churches (high degree of overlap).

Get a copy of Doug Moo’s book Pauline Theology from Zondervan.

Dress up as JFK Jr. with a MAGA hat, apologize for being late, and watch everyone prostrate before you.

Don’t miss out on the paper: “Why the Trinity is a Triarchy and That is Good News for Women.”

Get Sam Chan’s book How To Talk About Jesus.

Attend the ETS banquet at Cracker Barrell.

If you’re going to the Society of Biblical Literature in San Antonio

Wear a T-Shirt that says, “Vote Biden … nearly as competent as Carter.” Just so you know, this will not end well.

Buy Ruben A. Bühner’s book Messianic High Christology from Baylor Uni Press.

Attend the plenary session on, “Textual Twerking: An Emo-Eco-Maoist Reading of Scribal Activity in Leviticus in Conversation with Oprah and Derrida.”

Wear a T-Shirt that says, “#IStandwithJ.K.Rowling.” This too does not end well.

Every time someone says, “Calfornia,” correct them in the most condescending way possible, that it is properly known as, “The Occupied Mexican Territories of American Imperial Aggression.” Then threaten to report them to their university diversity office if they ever say, “California” again.

Wear a badge saying, “Jordan Peterson is my Karl Marx.” Note, this ends badly.

Attend the Marxist Working Group, Jewish Studies Association, and Asian-American Biblical Scholars Society joint round-table on, “It’s okay to loot Korean businesses because Koreans are the new Jews and the new face of capital?”

Remember me on 18 November, it is my birthday!

Go to the SBL help desk and ask, “Do you know where the nearest gunshop is? Also, on a totally unrelated topic, do you know if Joe Manchin is in town?”

Attend the session on, “How to Exorcise the Cis-White-Male Within” a joint session by the Pauline Soteriology and Peyote in Religion seminars.

Attend the QAnon support group, for people who are coming to grips with the fact that maybe Matthew and Luke did not share a source called “Q” for “Quelle” with many sayings of Jesus in it and a lack of passion story.

Every time you come across a professor from Yale or Harvard, shake their hand, lean in, and whisper, “Hail Hydra!”

Get Katie Hays's book God Gets Everything God Wants from Eerdmans.

Attend the SBL Banquet at Pappadeaux.