Things to do at the ETS and SBL Conferences

People, it’s been a long time since I’ve done my annual list of “Things to Do” for the Evangelical Theological Society and Society of Biblical Literature Conferences, but here you go for this year’s meetings in Denver, Colorado:

Evangelical Theological Society

Remember the dress code, bare-chested, furry antler-horned hat, and face paint. Spear is optional.

Pick up a copy of Brandon Smith’s book The Trinity in the Book of Revelation.

Go to the CBMW stall and ask if they have a range of leggings for women endorsed by Owen Strachan.

Attend my paper responding to Bruce McCormack’s new book The Humility of the Eternal Son.

If you see any women, ask them if they’d like to mark themselves as “Not Jezebel” using the ETS conference app.

Ask Mike Bird to autograph your Matthew Henry commentary and offer to buy him a coffee. Be prepared for violence!

Every time you meet someone offer them a surgical mask with a picture of Dr. Fauci’s face on it. Warning, this might not be appreciated.

Go to the Evangelicals and Gender Session, and every time someone mentions “Kristin du Mez” or “Aimee Byrd,” yell out, “Who will rid us of these meddlesome women?”

If you see Mike Bird, give him a six-pack of Sam Adams and a pack of spicy cheetos!

Buy my book Seven Things About the Bible I Wish All Christians Knew from Zondervan.

Stand outside the book exhibit with a sign saying, “Beth Allison Barr for ETS President.”

Wear a T-Shirt with a picture of Donald Trump and the words, “It is only treason if you lose … and he lost.” Warning, this might not end well.

If you go to the “Q Section,” be aware, it might not be about the hypothetical source between Matthew and Luke, it could be a QAnon meeting.

Society of Biblical Literature

Remember the dress code, nose ring, neck tattoo, rainbow scarf, vape pen, and knuckle dusters. Hillary Clinton therapy doll is optional.

Don’t forget that Friday 18 November is my birthday! I will be homesick, so I will need many high fives, lots of Chik-Fil-A, and remember that my love language is “buy all of my books.”

Ask the SBL staff why there was no cannabis in your tote bag. Protest vigorously that you were promised cannabis by John Kutschko!

Ask Mike Bird who won the Victorian state election. Note, he may ask you to assist him with his application for asylum in America.

Wear a T-Shirt that says, “Vote Biden … nearly as competent as Carter.” Just so you know, this will not end well.

Buy my book Jesus among the gods: Early Christology in the Greco-Roman World from Baylor Uni Press.

If you see a Starbucks going up in flames and Mike Bird standing before it smiling, you’ll know that the anti-coffee revolution has begun. Join him, comrades!!!

Attend the paper “Hail Satan’s Phallus: A Critical Analysis of Gay Pornographic Satanism on Twitter.” FYI, this is a real paper, I gotta go hear this one! The title alone makes it worth attending.

If anyone asks you what are your personal pronouns, reply, “#IStandwithJ.K.Rowling”. Note, this does not end well.

If you see Mike Bird, give him a bottle of Pinot Noir and a bag of almond m&ms!

Every time someone says, “California,” correct them in the most condescending way that it is properly known as, “The Occupied Mexican Territories.” Then threaten to report them to the Title 9 office if they ever say “California” again.

Attend my papers on Marcan Christology and on New Testament Theology.

Wear a badge saying, “Elon Musk is the best thing that has happened to Twitter.” Note, this does not end well.